Pick your head up

When you look at your child for the first time, you count 10 fingers and 10 toes. You examine them and they are the most beautiful creatures you have ever laid your eyes on.  That is what I saw. Perfection.

Flash forward 14 years, and he looks amazing. He grew, he is muscular, active, the best he has ever looked with the  exception of the first glance of perfection. However we are at the cardiologist appointment, loaded down with EKG leads which read out Complete Right Bundle Block. The thought now immediately swarming in you head is, well, that isn't good. Followed by your sons head hanging low, and voice sounding, that can't be good.  For when you have a cardiologist appointment, it isn't just a little listen, it us a full blown ECHO...this particular ECHO was longer in duration than normal.... again swarming in your head, not good....and while you watch the test unfold, you see the regurgitation, while trying to keep a poker face. Why? Because your 14 year old knows your facial expressions and knows when things just can't be good. As a parent, you keep your composure and play the hand you are dealt when your child has a Congenital Heart Defect. You sit in the cold room trying to keep the tensions light, while waiting for the cardiologist to come in and deliver the news.... you child's heart was repaired a short 20 months prior, leaving him with a war wound directly down the center of his chest, but there is now a right bundle block and regurgitation that you witnessed with your own eyes.  When the cardiologist enters it's all business....a little listen again, for what I believe is to make  you all the more nervous....only to tell you that the mitral valve still has a mild leak or regurgitation but his pulmonary valve has gone from a mild leak to a moderate regurgitation and now there is a complete right bundle block...his heart is working harder and has electrical misfires. His head is hanging low absorbing what she is diagnosing. When you see is face, it is full of anguish of not wanting to go through it all again. So now we need a stress test and holter monitoring. I say we, because he is 14 and while it might be his body, we do this together regardless of what he may think. I endure a different battle, that battle that you see what you believe to be perfection, but broken.

So now he is acting indifferent, standoffish even a times, down right nasty. What's wrong I ask? I get silence. Ignored. It is hurtful because I would trade places with him in a fraction of a second. I can't help feeling hurt. I understand he is growing up, getting more independent and certainly doesn't want to be sickly. You know the statistics, you know there is no cure for CHDs. We have done so much awareness and research, you know what your battle is and the challenges you must overcome. Breakdown, it's okay, because I will never leave your side.

So  here we are, going to get the new tests soon an the results are yet to be seen... how will this forever alter our lives again? Know this, even with your head hanging low or how not good this could be; it's  you and me. You are a warrior, a fighter who never backs down and always gives 110%. A broken perfection.