He is upset with me

He gets upset with me when I cry. I like to believe I am a strong person, however there is one situation that can bring instantaneous tears and he gets irritated with me.

Hopefully one day he will know the feeling of the love for a child and the overwhelming feeling of wanting to protect them from anything that may hurt them. I truly hope he never has to deal with having to care for a seriously sick child.

Let me tell you why I he gets upset with me… he feels like I shouldn’t cry because he never did. Yes, he was brave and didn’t let him emotions overcome him. He is a strong kid and certainly doesn’t act as if he has a heart defect, he never really did. He doesn’t understand how after a year, I can still be so overcome with emotions because it happened to him, not me.

Let me now tell you why I get upset … at no point in your life when you have a child are you ready for a doctor to tell you, your child is seriously sick, and when you hear those words, you can’t believe it. I guess that is the only emotion we had in common during this process, initial denial.

At no point in your life when you have a child are you ready for a doctor to tell you they are going to have to stop your child’s heart to fix the multiple holes in his heart. At no point in your life when you have a child are you truly ready to leave your child on the table to have them stop his heart, especially when you see the utter terror in his eyes. At no point in your life are you ready to wait in the waiting area for the surgeon to talk with you. At no point in your life are you ready to see your child for the 1 st time after open heart surgery… never ever. At no point in your life will you close your eyes or answer the phone and not worry about if he is okay. At no point in your life will you be able to talk the surgery and not have a rushing memory of your frail child, cut open, wired and glued shut, with tubes everywhere, swollen and gray, with oxygen helping him breath, laying in the hospital bed with noises from every possible monitor, drugged to prevent from feeling the pain, unable to sit up or even stay awake. At no point in time should a parent have to have this re-occurring nightmare, but there isn’t a day that you don’t think about all of it.

I don’t really care if he gets upset with me over my emotions, because I am his mother. I was the one who carried him for nine months, who loves him and takes care of him for 14 years and counting. I was the one left him on that table knowing they were going to stop his heart and there was a chance it wouldn't start back up. I was the one who walked alone down the hallway into the waiting area full of people staring at me and wanting me to tell them what happened behind the closed doors of the operating room. i was the one who waited for the surgeon to tell me it went well but we may need to have some additional surgeries down the road. I was the one who never left his side during his entire stay in the hospital and stared a cut and mended boy while he slept; helped him do the things he just couldn’t do until he was well enough.

So be upset with me…. but don’t think it didn’t happen to me just because I don’t have scar.  And i will do it all again, when  the time comes because i love you so much i cry thinking about what you had to endure and what is yet to come...i love you so much that i would give you my heart if you could endure no more.