Blaming red eyes on allergies not memories

I am a heart Mom. For me that requires pretending you are much more brave than you actually are. It requires sending you child to school and when the phone rings having an eerie feeling in your stomach. It requires you staring at your child and wondering if everything is okay... if they are the slightest bit off color. Some days are worse than others.

Today is bad and I am falling down memory lane of the days and moments leading up to the surgery.I can't help but think everyday about the moment in the operating room when he laid down and put the oxygen mask on... the only moment he tear up. The last thing you want to see before walking away from your child is terror in their eyes. He always said he was not scared but I knew he was. He was being brave for himself but mostly for me. I wasn't worried about the surgical procedure itself, I was worried about them having to stop his heart to do the correction.  The moment when the nurse told me they were putting my son on the bypass machine, that was the moment I pretended to work and silently prayed... actually I begged God to bring him back to me. Nothing can prepare you for someone telling you they are going to stop your sons heart to patch the multiple holes and hopefully it restarts. All you think at that point is ... what if it doesn't start up again? But with all luck, hope and prayers your child battles through the surgery like the warriors they are and the surgeons come out to talk to you. You feel as if you held your breath for the entire surgical procedure, while everyone stares at you or wants to hold you hand to comfort you but all you want to know is they are alive and alright.

While I realize this day hold a special place in my heart, in his heart. It is the day that the holes were closed.

There is a small area where there is still a leak in the atrial wall and in his mitral valve, and while the this correction will "significantly improve the quality of his life" he is by no means fine. He will always have leaks, he may even require additional surgeries or may not be able to do exactly what he wanted to do but he can live his life to the fullest of his abilities. 

A year ago, I lived a carefree life. My son lived a carefree aggressive life of sports and we had not true passion or purpose. Today, even if today is a rough day for me, I have a meaningful purpose. I know I can do better for other children and their families who suffer with CHDs. I know today is draining me and I have looked back on photos I wish never had to happen...but I know those days happened for a reason. They made my son a stronger person inside and out. Those days made me want to be a better person, a better Mom (if that was even possible) it most certainly has changed me to be a worried Mom for I still check in on a 13 year old boy to be sure he is okay a night. I am a heart Mom, my son is a Warrior and my family, well we are his army. Today and everyday my red eyes are caused by memories of a war and on going battle... I don't even have allergies.